catharsis

So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God who gives the growth...For no one can lay a foundation other than that which is laid, which is Jesus Christ.

Well. Haven't posted for awhile. Where to begin... It sank in tonight that I have been married for over a year now. The fact that it sank in tonight is weird, because our anniversary was last weekend. But I just got to thinking. Barely a year ago, Martin was on another continent, and we were crazy in love with an unfathomable future. How things have unfolded. I also got to thinking about what a gift we've been given. I had absolutely no idea how amazing it is to be married to someone. I never truely wanted to get married until I got to know Martin, and then marriage became the most natural, non-frightening thing to do. (You know, you'll know when you know. I explained it to my cousin this way: "You'll know when you know, and until you know, you won't know what it is that you'll know.")

These thoughts of marriage... I keep thinking about how God has worked in my life over the past three years. Drew and Beth: You should see my travel journels after I attended your wedding. I was sick with envy and heartache, so completely aware that in my present state of life I would never have what you had. I have never been so aware of two people spiritually in tune. And things went so wrong and so right from there... God getting my attention. My decisions forcing me to my knees, and what a blessed place to be. Forget anniversary presents! What could I be given to commemorate one of the most beautiful, tangible gifts of grace?

So things are good. Work is very hard, very physically and spiritually draining. I have been very tired and very frustrated, but tonight I have perspective and clarity of thought. The worst days have come when I have been so wrapped up in work politics and frustrations and feeling lost and aimless that I couldn't find God in the picture. It's so stupid! Just doing my thing, feeling more empty by the day. Feeling more cynical, forgetting who I am serving. Not myself, but that's easy to forget. It's nothing that I do.

It's hard, too, that Martin and I work very different schedules... You have to fight to not let your job consume you when it feels like it's all you're doing. It feels so good to just relax with each other and talk and laugh. It's taught me to appreciate his company so much more. But I just have to watch that I don't get too wrapped up in work, and to make sure I am doing other stuff when Martin's working.

A random thought: What good has the billions of books out there on management, and the gazillions of books on there about Christian leadership and management, done us? Nothing! My gosh, I can't even imagine how many forests we have raped and pillaged in the name of self-help. I was recently made to participate in a "strengths finder" evaluation. Ugh. It goes against my personal beliefs. I am afraid I will be next forced to have my spiritual gifts evaluated. Suffice to say, to use a Christmas analogy, I have never liked to "discover" my gifts until the day that I am meant to. I think He can reveal them in His timing. For me, creating that "consciousness" opens the door to self-gratification and wrong motivations.

What a ramble! How cathartic, this blog thing! I plan to do a few more cathartic things in the next while, including:

Drawing a bath with bergamot salts / Writing / Helping teach motorcycle lessons with my dad / Lying on the floor and listening to music / Reading / Praying / Eating yummy things, like cereal before bed

I'll leave off with this: Live feed from the Mustard Seed.