self oppression

It is snowing madly outside, driving in an eastward slant and drifting up on sidewalks and between cars. It makes me pleased to see the snow fall. These greyish days are more tolerable with this momentary purification of the world.

The dimness of the day, however, has no bearing on my levity. It would seem (entirely based on feelings, of course) that I have drawn away from this considerable depression that has been dragging at me since September-ish.

Unreliable as it may be, I had based much of my growth as a follower of Christ on feelings. The bitter loneliness and hopeless of the former had been transformed into the hopeful, buoyancy of the newer.

I thought I had bent my will sufficiently, and thereafter blessings had flowed. But good things do not translate into good feelings, I have discovered. These feelings of Christ's nearness, of mercy and cleansing, were not products of transformation, but of obedience. My faith does not translate into happiness just because God blesses. I am grateful, I am humbled to be given such things, but I cannot say with certainty, "these blessings bring happiness".

I found myself in a strange despondency, despite being surrounded by the evidence of His omnipotence and love, wondering daily what was wrong with me.

Then, the realization is made available even to my blindness... The cleansing never ends, and somehow I had begun to think it would. The beginnings were gut-wrenching, obvious, gone with old friends, old habits, old relationships. The new cleansing, a delicate refinement, still killing old habits but ones you never knew you had.

I had stopped listening, stopped obeying Jesus' direction to put everything aside. Holding onto unwillingness, pride, material wealth, unforgiveness; separated from Christ, arms full of garbage.

From Isaiah 59, God speaks of this distance between man and God as a result of our lack of repentance and disobedience.

Why, then, am I such a fool?

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Behold, the Lord's hand is not shortened, that it cannot save, or his ear dull, that it cannot hear; but your iniquities have made a separation between you and your God, and your sins have hidden his face from you so that he does not hear.

For your hands are defiled with blood and your fingers with iniquity; you lips have spoken lies; your tongue mutters wickedness...

Therefore justice is far from us, and righteousness does not overtake us; we hope for light, and behold, darkness, and for brightness, but we walk in gloom.

We grope for the wall like the blind; we grope like those who have no eyes, we stumble at noon as in the twilight, among those in full vigor we are like dead men.