me?

Words and thoughts are like a traffic jam, all stopped up trying to get somewhere, reach that destination, a conclusion.

This topic of "character" has kept reappearing. Defined in all sorts of ways from all sorts of sources. This quote had been very clear in my head over the past while. "Character is who you are when no one is looking." Don't know where it's from, but it sums up the direction of my thoughts in the past while.

What am I like when no one is looking? I recently did a very short 'character evaluation'. The results? I probably could have failed myself, if you could actually fail such a thing.

A very clear realization came to me today, after hearing someone speak on Christ-like character.
All the surface stuff aside, what lies beneath?

I've spent too much time wasting time, wasting energy, pouring myself into bottomless pits, going nowhere, telling lies to cover it all up, losing myself in person after person, hobbling around with all sorts of crutches. What character can develop out of that?

I'm not dwelling in the past: I know forgiveness and freedom. But it scares me to really look at myself and wonder if I have the strength of character that Christ wants of His followers. Have I really looked deeply, see myself for who I really am when no-one's looking?

I know what I desire, what my ideals are. I want to be transparent. I want to be whole and full of love and empathy for people. Instead, honesty is a conscious and ever-present choice. I feel fractured, divided between worlds sometimes. I am easily angered, territorial, driven by wrong motives. I pull down judgement upon people, I sit in church, disengaged, critical, caught up in the world rather than my relationship with God. I want to be able to pour myself out to people, to realize their needs are like to mine. Instead I am still so self-centred, fearful, cynical, doubting people's motives, crouching in my shell. Where is Christ in me? Oh God, I am no reflection of You!

I guess this is crawling. after acknowledgement, moving so slowly in the right direction. Ragged knees and palms. But still moving... Let my heart ache for the things You want for me. I am unable to face this without You. I have no strength, no peace, no love to offer without.

"...I want you to get out there and walk - better yet, run! - on the road God has called you to travel. I don't want any of you sitting around on your hands. I don't want anyone strolling off, down some path that goes nowhere. And mark that you do this with humility and discipline - not in fits and starts, but steadily, pouring yourselves out for each other in acts of love...
You were all called to travel on the same road and in the same direction, so stay together, both outwardly and inwardly. You have one Master, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who rules over all, works through all, and is present in all..."