temper girl - the sequel

Apparently, we all have faults. Even more apparent is the fact, despite any and all desperate attempts to conceal them, these faults will be exposed.

I have spent some time thinking about this for the past few days, provoked by the recent revelation that a leader of the church we've been attending resigned with the admission of extramarital affairs. Very sad thing - something that sends people into a spiral of soul-searching and mental confusion.

All this thinking in turn triggered my thoughts of weaknesses and faults. Of course, according to the cliché, apparently we love people for their faults, but that's definitely crap. Our character flaws may be at times amusing, sometimes cute, but they are still faults.

I will use myself, as a perfect, er, imperfect, example. I have a temper. This is no secret, although I do try to not let it get the best of me. Now, Martin knows how to get to me - like all wise husbands, he has learned the art of provocation. He knows the perfect little thing to say to get a dark look and a feisty retort. Now, this can be, shall we say, "cute". Martin’s also dubbed me with the nickname "temper girl". This is meant in the nicest way, I’m sure.

But it’s not about sarcasm or scathing glares. The problem is when this thing does get the best of me. It can be a blinding, powerful rage that sweeps away all logical thought and leaves me seething with un-communicated feelings. It leaves me sputtering and clawing at any vocabulary I can find to attempt expression. It can urge and bait me to lash out violently.

I want to note, however, how much I have been honed and soothed over the past year. Weaning myself off of some of the music I was listening to helped hugely. Marrying someone who sees my core being helped more. I haven’t thrown or punched anything in a long time.

Obviously this makes me sound like psycho chick. If so, oh well. It’s reality. Of course, when you factor in seeking a relationship with Christ, it changes the picture. Not only am I agro, with barbarian tendencies, but I am a Christian to boot.

But seriously. Pastors committing adultery? Christians with anger issues? How can I reconcile this?

I think it’s harder to believe that God loves those who don’t know the truth, than loves those who do know the truth and don’t obey. But yet, here I am, dealing with some of the same issues I have been facing for years, and yet totally aware of my reality as a Christ-follower. It is hard to reconcile. Especially when my faults are so far from lovable, cute, or even hip. But He does.

This is one of my thought processes which has lead me to a conclusion I’ve reached many times before, through different routes. I will never understand infinite grace, unconditional love, His relentless pursuit. I don’t really want to understand, except to know what He has made available to me. His ways are above mine. If I did understand these things, could He really be God?

I’m tired. And although it is not late, I am also a nerd and therefore it’s time for sleep. I think I am more on this subject to mull over. Maybe more on this later.