chochi

It's crazy: The world is sailing along smoothly, things are fitting well enough, and then the smallest thing stops you mid-stride and you wonder.

My thoughts are muddling about the idea of "identity". I am wondering how people perceive me. I wonder if people read something into my way of being that I can't see. I wonder, "Do I have any self-perception at all?" Or is the idea of thinking I am self-aware just another deception? Do people know ME, and do I really know MYSELF?

I have made some large "awareness blunders" in my short life. I thought I loved with someone for a long time before realizing I didn't. I thought I was doing well for myself but wasn't. I thought I was convincing people of my happiness and didn't realize they could see right through me.

I mean, everyone has a story, and you wonder if people can really "get" people if they don't know that story. Take the above photo. You will see a rather tall Santa's elf kissing a pleased, albeit bloodied and bruised, female Asian hockey player. What's the story? Is there anything to get out of this but a little curiousity and confusion?

I wouldn't be who I am today without these two people as part of my story. Jihae and Aaron are their Halloween costumes. I did Jihae's makeup. Jihae is back in Korea now and my eyes burn if I look at this picture too long.

I am in this channel where I can't stop thinking I must be a different person to each person who knows a chapter of my story. And where do I fit my definition of myself? The answer, I know, might be: A new creature in Christ. But who and what is the new creature, and does anyone know it?